Falling in to uncertainty with a smile

So earlier I posted about why I haven't engaged much on social media, and I also posted a livestream about the Intrusive Thoughts album (don't worry, there will be a connection, I'm just slow getting there)

I'm attempting to do a trust fall in to freedom.  Letting go and seeing what happens.  Accepting that I'll fall on rocky ground sometime, but trusting that in the end, it will all be alright.

I operate well in my bubble.  It's my bubble.  I like it.  It's a small bubble, I know what's inside of it, I can manage what's inside of it.  And I feel secure.

Much of my life I've been haunted by thoughts of inadequacy.  Low self esteem, social anxiety.

This isn't my schtick and it won't be my schtick.  Trust me, I don't want it. 

These intrusive thoughts that I've had.  

"You're going to wreck in to that oncoming car" 
 "if you post this they will laugh at you" 
"you look puffy in that picture" 
"other people do *insert any random item* better"

For years and years, I felt like I had an enemy in my head.  Someone trying to beat me up.  Someone I constantly fought with, who was holding me back.  Saying things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, not that I have a worst enemy.  Note to self, find a nemesis, it could be good for brand

I was recently introduced to the idea that, these intrusive thoughts aren't my enemy, well, not really at least.  It's a counter intuitive thought process of protection

100% honest here, I am a control freak.  Lets go back to my little bubble... I can control my bubble....

But here are all these thoughts that creep up, that cause me anxiety, that I try to fight away, and it causes me more anxiety.  It's really me just trying to control every possible situation I can come up with in my head and find out ahead of time what I would do, or they are trying to prevent me from getting in to situations that I fear (ie being embarrassed and a thousand other things)

I thought my great big bully in my head was trying to hurt me, but now here's the idea that ihe's trying to protect me?  And that, I can make peace with.  That I can gently turn to and say "it's ok, I know you're trying to protect me, but we're going to be alright"

I'm in the process of learning to let go, and gloriously give up control and see what happens