A Season of Loss

My mom had her first chemo session today. I’ve had relationships broken and seemingly cross the event horizon. Our accountant died in January. We had a tenant die in 2020.

Someone recently said they wished life would get a bit easier. In my recent morbid state I couldn’t help but think to myself… it’s not. I’m 44 years old. My elders seem to be getting older by the minute and every month seems to bring about some sort of gut wrenching event that tears at the strings of my sanity with its clever devices.

My next thought was “Maybe I’ve just entered the season of loss”. Maybe this is just how things are for the remainder. I watch family and friends spiral down until it’s my turn for someone to watch me be lowered in my dark home in hopes of being raised to a joyous light. I’ve been told there will be no more tears or suffering one day. I hope it’s true.

I’m in a pit. I know I am. It won’t swallow me but damnit it’s dark in here. My thoughts twist and turn, and these aren’t i true I’ve thoughts mind you, just introspection, I find myself thinking life is loss.

I can justify it too. Even when we are being born we lose the comfort of the womb, crying as if we know what is in store. Crying because we’re cold. Crying because we’ve lost something familiar.

From that moment or he’ll maybe even before, we’re losing time. Every moment we are lose. Moment to moment ticking by. Reminding me of the surreal killer that time is.

Then we lose teeth. We lose friendships. We lose parents. We lose family. We lose jobs. We lose hair. We lose teeth again. We lose hearing. We lose eyesight. We lose money. We lose ourselves. We are thinking incredible losers.

People say the only constant is change, but it seems like we are constantly losing. It’s a given.

the optimist or realist in me. Or whatever part of me that’s not in the pit offers some additional insight. We don’t just lose. We also gain.

We lose the womb, we gain a new world.

we lose teeth, new ones come.

we lose friendships and form new ones. We lose family and we gain the experience of grief and the process of it. We lose jobs and we gain new jobs. We lose hearing and we gain hearing aids. We lose eyesight and gain glasses or contacts.

we lose ourselves and end up finding whoever we end up becoming. We’re incredible gainers.

It’s not alchemy. There’s no equivalent exchange.

the heart mending doesn’t abolish the heart break. The gaining doesn’t replace the loss but maybe it’s just enough to help us get by. Maybe in the midst of life falling down, we can find hope, or beauty, or something that we can gain.

The end of all things is supposedly the beginning of something new. We just need to steer our ship away from the rocks and on to calm waters once again.

So if it’s a season of loss for you, don’t forget it’s also a season of gain. Be strong and if you can’t manage your rudder ask someone for help.